hi, here I am
“What is my life about right now? For real, not what I want it to be about.
What’s important to me?
Where have I fallen short? Brutal honesty.
Where have I shown up? Brutal honesty.
What do I want my life to be about?
If I were on my deathbed tomorrow, what’s the one sentence truth I would say about how I lived my life?
Do I want to change that one sentence? Good thing I can start today.”
Tara posted this on Instagram today, and you know I love a good reflection question list. Her caption to go with it was also great (Tara’s link above - go check it out!).
Right now, my life — as it really is, not what I WANT it to be — is about my work, which is full of engagement and generosity. It asks much of me and offers endless opportunities for connection, effort, and creativity. I feel very plugged in to people, a community and mission, a purpose.
It’s also exhausting. In my time off, my life has mostly been about recuperating and trying to keep my lifeboat mostly stabilized. Life is hard and being a grown up is a lot of work. I’m trying to find the space to enjoy myself and not get too bogged down by the mess of the house and to stay borderline caught up, for the sake of my own sanity. I also spend a lot of time lounging on the couch (this weekend, finally in cozy fall day-off outfits — hooray and happy autumnal equinox! 🧡🍁🤎), either watching Netflix, playing on my phone, or practicing Spanish on Duolingo for hours. Week day evenings feel challenging and go by in a blur: trying to figure out dinner, occasional week-night obligations, spending a little time with husband and pup, preparing for the next day, getting to bed on time… The weekend also goes by too fast, but it feels mostly more relaxing and expansive.
I think the key things characterizing my life right now (what is it really about?) are my work, my gym training, learning Spanish, and keeping up with this blog and adult duties. Sometimes things get out of balance and one thing gets more attention than all the rest — sometimes for the better, sometimes detrimentally. Sometimes I fret and worry too much. Sometimes I forget to stay focused on the daily magic. Sometimes (often) I’m really tired.
I realized yesterday I’m starting to get really lonely. Which is interesting because I work quite closely and constantly with fascinating, kind, excellent, fun people all week long. Many people. I pour into and collaborate with others, all day, most days.
This just goes to show there are very different relationships, and each relationship requires something different from you and gives something different back in return. We need them all. We need each other.
To be a whole human, living my most wholehearted, aligned life (which is very important to me), I need belonging. It’s a Top Three value here. Since my life has been extremely centered around my new fabulous job, and the learning curve and adjusting period takes a lot of energy and time, I haven’t put much of anything into my social life or circle of connection in close to two months. I’ve seen a couple of our closest friends a few times since I got my new job; they always fill my cup greatly, so an evening with them is outstandingly effective medicine. I’ve seen another girlfriend once. Seen my family a few times. And gone to only one social event at a winery, and one or two Zumba classes.
For me, that’s not much for two months. For a while, it seemed like I had plans with dear friends almost every weekend, sometimes multiple things in one weekend! I don’t think we’ve had a game night since July. Two of our best friends are traveling a lot and getting ready to move out of state, so it feels like we’re seeing them less and will be even less in the near future, which makes me very sad. I miss my friends!
Jake and I also haven’t been enjoying as much quality time together for a little while, which we’re figuring out and moving forward on… we each had a weird one-off day yesterday (just happens sometimes, fellow humans!) but were able to rally with a lovely movie theater date night last night, and then we had a wonderful, easy, slow Sunday morning French Toast and Walgreens date together today! 😉
So the loneliness has slowly been coming on, I think especially as I’ve gotten more used to my job and have found myself adjusting and settling in. It still takes a lot out of me — this week seemed like a particularly massive week at work — and projects are ramping up, as my schedule gets busier and fuller. But I simultaneously feel like I am gaining ground and finding my footing. I’m establishing a rhythm and more comfort and expectation here. I am finding my place. It’s hard to be new and learning everything, down to the tiniest aspects of the environment, work relationships, and culture, let alone your own role. As I settle into all of that, I think the rest of my life is slowly coming back into focus, so I little-by-little will have more energy and capacity to devote elsewhere once again.
(I have known this and reflected on it at length previously.)
Feeling lonely is a byproduct of not much connection or social time for a long stretch. For me, it’s crucially important. I need belonging: with myself, with my husband, with friends. From within and then from and for others. There can be time periods where this isn’t the main focus, sure; but if it goes too unattended for too long, I feel the effects in a big way, since it’s such a central, lifelong need for me. It always has been, and I believe it always will be, in whatever evolution it takes.
It’s been very rewarding to grow into myself — in many ways, but specifically here, in belonging and connection. I know myself better now, and I know, mostly, what I want in my relationships and circle. I have learned more and am learning about how to be a good friend and what kind of friends I really want and treasure. My relational life has turned towards thriving, as compared to a few years ago or earlier points in my life.
That is a huge gift, and it’s not lost on me. I don’t take this for granted. I’m very grateful. We’re better together.
Even though my work life now brings an extremely satisfying, well-suited, fulfilling level of connection, community, and belonging, it’s a specific genre. This is professional belonging, as it should be. It’s just right, and it’s tremendously beneficial and was also missing for a great while. So I’m beyond glad to have it now!
But it cannot replace my intimate relational bonds or the other community I have built in my life. Friendships and personal connection will always be vital.
See? Different types of relationships. They take different efforts from us and give back different rewards. We need it all.
There are levels and varieties of relationships, and they each have their spot and serve their purpose.
We thrive when the right mix, balance, and blend is found.
It’s okay with me that some areas of my life have taken a tiny backseat for a stretch of time, to invest in this giant, new, extraordinary professional growth; this is a job opportunity I’ve been waiting and working for for years, and it’s so cool. Like I said, I realized most of my focus was shifting onto it, which I think was rightfully done, and I have reflected on this, its temporality, and its effects, before.
Yesterday, I started really feeling some of those effects and realizing it might be time to make some gentle pivots. My life is ready for more personal connection again, as I get more and more (hopefully) of a grip on my work.
So what is your life about right now? What do you want it to be about? What’s important to you? Do you need some pivots?
