as a month goes: on the dark lows, joyful highs, hope, & carrying on
It has been nearly a month since I’ve published on everyday magic, but the piece I’m re-entering this space with was actually written on January 3rd. Fresh into the new year, recently back to work after a long holiday break, feeling tired and overwhelmed for many reasons.
Read this if you’re having a shit day or a hard season and need to see some empowerment and light. There’s always light at the end of the tunnel, or in pockets and bends along the way.
Read this if you’re contending with the constant tension and dance of highs and lows, of joy coexisting with pain, of celebration and challenge at the same time. Everyday magic is about all that is magical, mixed in with the mundane. Everyday magic is about acknowledging the dualities of life.
My past month, since last appearing here, has been full of the highest of happy highs and also some rough, low lows, like any human life is, right?? I’m just over here living and trying to learn and to keep showing up. Some days, I’m working harder than it feels like I have the capacity to carry on with. Some days, I’m getting the rest and connection and rejuvenation I need. Some days, it’s all play and excitement. Some of the days have even been slower-paced lulls. Most of the days? Most days are some sort of combination of all of the above.
That’s just how it goes. Most of life isn’t delineated or strictly black and white. So much of what we learn to show up for isn’t only good or bad. It’s all just life.
One thing I have done a LOT of in the past month is watch Ted Lasso with my husband (❤️!!), and in an episode we were watching last night, Ted asks Beard if something that happened was a good thing or a bad thing, and Beard shrugs and says, “I think it’s just a thing.” True that.
So welcome to life! Welcome to my portion of it, right now. I’ve had a big break from consistent writing this month, after completing 300+ posts (25 per month) last year, and I’ve just kind of been figuring out what’s next. Working on some new goals I put in place. Struggling big time sometimes, succeeding and joyously celebrating sometimes. Still writing here and there. Popping in today with some new posts and updates!
The following was written in one of those struggling lows. A moment of despair. A day of feeling bowled over by life, everything in front of me, and carrying on. If you’re there, I see you; we’re all there sometimes. In this together.
January 3rd, 2024
(Began the writing with many paragraphs of complaints, issues, struggle-bussing, heavy boots, exhaustion, despairing negativity, and rough thoughts — which are just thoughts and not all objective, true facts anyway!)
…I don’t think I have to let those win as the loudest voices in my head. I’m not really sure what else I could do though. I’m impatient and hungry and angry and fed up and sore and tired and tired of being tired and just over it. All.
True Self, what do you know that I’m forgetting? What do you need that I could give? How can I show up better in this sadness and desire to cry, throw my hands in the air, loudly shout FUCK, and give up?
Dear Bri,
Shout fuck if you want to. If it’ll help. Sometimes it does, and right now — only you can say.
Cry if you have to get it out. Do not ever believe the lie that your feelings make you weak. That you are too much. You can feel it all, and be bold and brave. You can feel everything, with the patience and wisdom to let it pass. You don’t have to amplify every spiky, thorny, red hot emotion until it consumes everything. Let them come and go. You can feel, and you can learn not to trust everything you feel, but to accept and allow it all anyway.
Certainly do not give up. Zoom out. Take a deeper breath. Your shoulders are too tight and fists too clenched if you are convinced it’s time to quit everything. Be patient. Wait for the waves to pass. They always do. I promise this one will. Slow down. Find yourself. Maybe you are lonely and sad and desperately coming unglued because you are losing yourself for a moment. Stay by your own side. Get present again. Be right where you are, not in some imaginary horror land or future nightmare or stacked on pile of burdens. Just be right here. Here is enough, and you are enough for here. You can live this moment.
While you live in the present moment, be patient for the next one to come, for all that will unfold, and for your better feelings. They’ll return again.
————————————
I have just left the gym. I wrote the above in between front squat and deadlift sets. I was pissed for at least half my workout. But damn if I don’t feel at least 20% or 50% or even 80% better than I did.
Still exhausted. But a little energized.
Still a little lonely. But fucking proud of myself.
Still a little sad. But empowered too.
Workout. It’s the best medicine. I almost didn’t. As I walked to my car after work tonight, I thought I would probably just skip. Because of aches and emotions and the day. For many reasons.
But I came anyway, and I got started, and it felt crappy, and I felt weak, and I was mad.
So I worked out mad. Instead of quitting. And it worked a little bit of the mad out of me.
A couple hidden tears spilled over during deadlifts. I cussed. I felt nearly defeated.
But I wasn’t defeated. I came out on top. I left the gym better for it.
Not all my problems are solved, and I’m still tired and hormonal and it’s late in the day and I’m fucking fed up with being so exhaustingly drained and pushed.
But I feel a little better. I can go on now. I don’t need to quit everything, with my fists in the air, and a loud bellow of FUCK.
I can fight for another day. I can go home and reset and try again. I can maintain my focus. I am determined to live this year with more clarity, less splintering and chaos, and a strong, determined, focused discipline.
Discipline is showing up for the right thing to do, even when you don’t want to do it. Doing the best thing. Doing your best. Keeping your pacts.
Discipline was me in the gym tonight. It could’ve been clearer and more focused — I was certainly throwing a big fit and wallowing in my despair — but it was still disciplined.
I did what was best for me, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do, because I knew I would regret not being the sort of person who just does it anyway. Because I knew I made this pact with myself for meaningful reasons.
Carry on, warrior and feeler and artist and hard worker. I’m sorry this is so hard. I see you. I’m damn proud of you.
Now go easy tonight. It’ll get better.
Love you.
OK, now I invite you to time travel back with me, from January 3rd to today!
That piece may have sounded dramatic to you. Or perhaps it resonated in all the right ways.
If you’re “in the dumpster,” as Jake says, or if you can even recall a time of being in the dumpster (as we all can, if we’re really honest), then maybe you can see and understand a glimpse of how I was feeling. The reasons don’t really matter… it could be anything for anyone at anytime, right? Work stress, responsibilities and demands, need for rest, longing for connection, marriage hardships, loneliness, hormones, mindsets, the list goes on…
But we hit these walls sometimes. We also feel. Feelings aren’t facts. Sometimes feelings are really dramatic. Life is tough.
But so are we.
