on acceptance
As I was leaving the gym tonight, a little pissed off and disappointed about not being just a little stronger, a little more well-recovered, and a little better able to tackle what was in that workout, I realized I needed to meditate.
Meditation has held a good place in my life. I’m not a regular meditator, though I have been at times in the past. I prefer guided meditations, when I do them. Something just made me realize tonight that the testy fit I was throwing and the unsettled feelings I have about this whole situation require a little extra care, a more intensive approach, and my own devoted attention. I wanted to meditate and work this shit out to find some peace.
I got home, kissed Jake, petted Blue, changed into comfy, soft jammies, lit a candle, and sat in my bed with my dog snuggled into me, ready for a meditation. My first in a long time.
I haven’t mentioned, but of course today is Thanksgiving (happy Thanksgiving! Hope yours was wonderful), and we’re in the first part of our four-day work break (so massively needed and welcomed!). So I feel very, very grateful for our change of pace and having the unusual environment, space, schedule, free time, etc. to let things come to the surface, utilize different tools of care, and just soak up these out-of-the-ordinary days. We had a lovely Thanksgiving family day today, with more to come tomorrow, and I’m so grateful I got to go to the gym tonight and then also have the time and space for meditation and over an hour of writing. All delightful. All needed. All welcome and beneficial.
As I sat in my bed, with warm candlelight, soft clothes, cozy blanket, and best dog, I was very sure: I needed a meditation on acceptance. I had decided the moment I’d gotten into my car at the gym. On my drive home, I thought about the workout and my own resistance and frustration, and I realized I just needed to accept where I was at. It’s okay. I’m only feeling so much friction because I was in such a phenomenal place before I got sick, I’m so close to this upcoming competition next week, and I have had very high hopes and expectations for it, which I’m now way more nervous about. But I can’t go back to before I got sick; just because I was in a fantastic place before doesn’t mean I’m guaranteed to get to keep that now. Now, I’m here. So I’m feeling this friction because, instead of accepting where I’m at and working with it — adjusting accordingly and doing my best, graciously — I’m barging forward and clinging on with worried fear. I’m angry at the idea of having to let go of what I want. So I’m resisting what is — the opposite of acceptance.
I picked out this guided meditation by Annemaree Rowley on the Insight Timer app, and it was phenomenal! Precisely what I needed.
She says she likes to remind herself to:
accept what is
let go of what was
have faith in what will be.
Wow. I love this empowering mantra because it works with the reality of where we are and what we have right now, holding it with open hands and a calm, clear peacefulness; it lets the past — and what we might have once had but maybe no longer do — float away and settle into the past, as it only can; and — crucially — it provides hope. Hope for the future. Holding faith for what will be. Whatever it is, even though we can’t know yet, we’re choosing to trust it will be good. We’re hanging on to solid hope that it’ll be okay. Pivots and turns in the story don’t make the story a failure; they often lead to some of the best stuff. We’re still showing up — we’re returning — doing our best, and I love the hope this faith for the future brings. What’s the best that could happen? If something different than what we wanted happens, will it still be okay?
Another part of the meditation called for focusing in on the space between the eyebrows, your Third Eye, your own Inner Knowing and deepest self. She asked what it was I found there… a color, a feeling, a light, etc.
I discovered I felt a great warmth. Focusing on my Third Eye — my inner self — brought forth a great sense of warmth within me. I was met with warmth for myself.
Self-compassion is a warm embrace of all we are, the best we’ve done, the mistakes we’ve made, and what we need. Self-compassion is true and honest and loving and safe and kind. Self-compassion is patient and generous, empathetic and steadfast. Self-compassion is being our own best friend. Self-compassion is understanding and… acceptance.
In drawing inward and choosing to calm myself and settle into some level of acceptance, I found warmth.
I have great warmth within me. This is another reassurance, because I know this warmth is my strength.
This is warmth for myself, warmth for life, the world, and people around me.
Some think strength is hard as iron, tough as nails, rough and scratchy and unbending, incapable of hurt, walled up and unreachable, badass and impenetrable.
I disagree. Our strength is in our softness and our hope and our love. Our strength is our faith. Our strength is our damned determination to go on, to do our best, to be ourselves. To keep showing up. Our strength is in our compassion and acceptance, for ourselves and for others, especially in differences and disappointments.
My strength is my warmth.
I saw my own warmth, ready and always there, but sometimes rushed past or covered over. I realized everything will be okay — in the broader, big picture sense, and also specifically for this competition and lifting training I’ve been stressed about since getting sick — because I am full of warmth. Strong, empowered, true, loving warmth.
This warmth keeps me going. This warmth is the best fire, deep within me, fueling all I do and love and believe in.
My warmth loves and protects me and offers compassion, acceptance, understanding, and the reserves of strength and ability I need.
It was touching to realize: when I was feeling pissed off, impatient, afraid, and disappointed — when I was feeling low on self-compassion and acceptance — I still had this warmth inside me, and I was ready to give myself what I really needed, once I just slowed down to find it within me. To allow it to shine through.
This warmth is the way, anyway. Leading from love, passion, and acceptance — from my strength — is the only way to carve a path forward, in this and in any other situation, with clarity and power.
We’re more effective when we’re true and vulnerable, loving and warm, compassionate and accepting.
We’re more successful when we’re adaptive and flexible, willing to weather the storm and get curious with the pivot.
Because no matter what happens, there are things we can’t control, and where we are now is best met with acceptance.
Besides… maybe the next adventure and next great outcome is right around the corner.
P.S. I ALSO realized tonight, in noticing the prodding need for acceptance, that whatever happens will be okay, and if I crush my goals at next week’s competition, that’s great! But if I can’t quite reach them (if I fail some lifts or decide I don’t have it in me to try for the higher numbers I’ve been wanting)… that’s okay because there will be many more competitions! It seemed so simple that I wished I’d thought of it sooner: if I can’t pull off my hopes for this one, I can try again at the next one! I might compete two or three times again next year, just like this year! I’ll do the best I can with this one, just like I’ve been doing my best all along, and it will be a great experience and excellent data, no matter what. Doing our best is never a waste. The three months I’ve spent getting ready for this, and the fun traveling and meet day experience, the memories and self-investment… it will always be worth it. Whatever comes of the actual meet day results, so be it! That’s how the practice goes, right? Regardless of outcome, we just keep showing up. There will always be another one. How could I have forgotten?? All the best. 💗😘
