the return
I went to an Open Mic last night, and it was a blast. I had so much fun, and I stoked the flames inside me that are still burning boldly for music. I miss music. I’ve been thinking and writing a lot about that lately. My soul is aching for music. It’s the long-sung song of my heart. One of my greatest desires and passions in life.
I’ve written about how that doesn’t just go away. I was waylaid and have put it on hiatus for a long, long time. But the dream hasn’t died. It didn’t disappear, never to be found again, contrary to what I feared and may have wondered or even slightly believed, for a while there. I got burned out; I listened to too many fears and pressures and voices that don’t matter (including many inside my head – remember how much your imaginings matter). This thing I loved wholly and purely became dragged down and mixed up with other influences that weren’t actually part of the dream or muse or work itself. I got in my own way a few too many times. I’ve been confused and needed some time away, and now – I need to come back. It’s never been more evident. There’s no problem with seasons, ebbs and flows, or taking a break. There’s no worries in evolving and outgrowing something. But sometimes it turns out that thing wants to grow with you! And I love this Mandy Brown quote I discovered through Austin Kleon’s newsletter this week: "But if there’s anything I know about practicing it’s that it isn’t about rules or consistency or scarcity or god forbid optimizing: it’s about coming back. A practice is built on the movement of return."
So I’m returning. Music and I, we’re returning together. Hopefully the return is going to be much more continuous and frequent, once again. My relationship to my dream and how my dream unfolds and what it looks and feels like… all those things can change and evolve, as I too am changing and evolving. But I’m realizing this isn’t something I ever want to leave behind. It’s coded right into my chemistry and heart.
I light up with good music. I light up with shared music. I’m fanning the embers and letting them reignite, to see what the fire will be like this time. Maybe different. Maybe new. Maybe surprising. Almost certainly precisely what I need.
This has all kinds of practical elements, requirements, and implications, such as:
the need to practice more, to build my skills and knock off the thick layers of rust
the required time to give my attention to this thing I love and long for – adjusting schedules accordingly to do things like play my instrument, learn vocals, go to Open Mics and performances, spend time with other musicians, etc.
But completely aside from logistics, it also feels a little like courting a lost lover and being enthralled, curious, and delighted everyday, as you wait patiently to watch what unfolds. I don’t feel in a massive hurry, it just feels like it’s time. I don’t have a certain agenda or timeline or expectation, I’m just ready and excited to interact. It’s not something I’m forcing or planning or manhandling, it’s just kind of a mini, long time coming, breath of fresh air, sort of surprising, sort of unexpected, but also feels-exactly-right type of reawakening.
It’s kind of like my mermaid spirit is whispering, “oh hi there. I knew we’d come back together again. I know you weren’t ready for this before. I know this is the perfect time, and I secretly, quietly, deeply knew all along this day would arrive, even when you doubted it entirely.”
That mermaid spirit is always part of me. We can’t be separated. I knew. Somewhere deep inside, my heart knew.
When you feel that tug, the involuntary full-body smile, the draw and fascination and jealousy and longing and delight and absolutely any other form this thing takes!! – it’s the best of humanity. It’s love and passion and light and your heart’s truest dream. It’s never, ever something to silence or drown out or run away from. Don’t fear it; I’ve feared mine plenty, but it doesn’t do any good. Don’t deny yourself your dream. Don’t ignore it or downplay it or pretend it doesn’t matter. It has always mattered. It will always matter.
What doesn’t matter is what sort of success or achievement or accolade you get from it; we aren’t in this for the reassurance, imagined self-worth boost, or approval from other people. This is taking me a long time to learn.
There’s fear involved. There will always be some fear when your heart is on the line because your brain wants to protect itself and you. It’s scary for me to take tiny steps forward towards this thing I’ve left mostly alone for so long. And that’s a lesson and practice that permeates all of life, at all times, and one we must learn to move through and embrace. Keep engaging. Don’t shut down. You can be afraid and then brave; the fear comes first so the courage can follow.
This is part of the journey of becoming. I have needed every aspect of this journey, including the fear and the hiatus, to help me along to my next transformation, to build in me the tools and awareness for everything the next version of my becoming needs.
So I am trying to learn how to do everything from love, for love. To play for the playing, not for the applause or whether or not people liked it. Not to feed my ego or gauge whether or not I am exceptional. I’m working on learning to not STOP playing when I don’t get approval or cheers, when people stop clapping or being impressed, or when I fear I might not be exceptional after all.
The point is not to be exceptional. I don’t have to stand out or feel any sort of (self-inflicted) pressure to be sensational. There is nothing to beat. It’s not a competition, it’s just a dream. It’s only what is meant for me, and whatever dream is meant for you. We don’t even have to be good!! We just have to be ourselves. We just have to do our best work, from love, for love. Because it’s the life that belongs to us. Because the mermaid spirit is calling.
(And maybe we’ll get good eventually! Maybe we’ll achieve something or make a name for ourselves, but that’s not the point! We’ll do it anyway. Even if that never happens, we’ll do it regardless, no matter what. We’ll do it with joy and heart, for the sake of our most wholehearted, lit up selves.)
Lots of love…
