costs

Today I’ve been thinking about the cost of the life you want to be living.

The cost of our dreams.

The cost of our truest desires.

The cost of getting what we want and the necessary down payment for our hoped-for results.

The best acquisitions and experiences generally take effort and investment. We get out of our lives what we put into them, so it really stands to reason that it’s in our best interest to learn the skills of delayed gratification and occasionally doing things we don’t want to do for the sake of our future.

It pays to be someone who doesn’t chase pleasure all the time, but rather chooses things that hold a little more meaning. Something a little more lasting. (Still, yes, pleasure is a huge part of living! We want to have fun! How can you play more? How can you find big and tiny joys? How can let things be easy and just enjoy yourself??? And also — we know the bigger picture and ultimate grand potential and satisfaction for our lives doesn’t come only from what is pleasurable.)

I’ve been thinking about things that bring me a lot of contentment and benefit when they’re done or when I’m experiencing them… but they require some upfront cost. Today’s examples: friendship and home building (aka chores & projects).

1

I LOVE my friends. Relationships, chosen life pals, belonging, and connection… I call this the secret sauce. Anne Lamott says “our friends are why anything works at all.” I’m amazed by the astonishing magic of friendship, all the time, in so many ways. I can talk a LOT about this. I am someone who thrives on time with people, especially people who understand me, people I can be my full self with, people I can relax and have fun with, friends who share each others’ burdens and dreams and make life so much better for each other. I believe everybody needs people; no man is an island; all beings want, need, and deserve love and belonging… and I know this looks different for everyone. Everyone needs it in different ways and different amounts and frequencies. We also need the whole galaxy of our friendships — there isn’t a one-size-fits-all friendship that can fill every social, connecting, interactive need in your life across the board, it takes everyone you know and love, everyone who holds a special place in your life (big or small), everyone you cross paths with and share and build with. This is how we have whole and thriving communities and well-nourished, connected individuals.

OK friendship soapbox over!

I LOVE friends, and I’m always (usually!) excited to spend time together. Sometimes, leading up to the plans we’ve made, if I’m feeling tired or withdrawn or anxious for some reason, I think maybe I wish I didn’t have plans. But I almost never end up not enjoying the time together! Time for friendship is generally never something I regret.

That being said, there’s a cost, right? Just like anything awesome, anything worthwhile, anything we ever want to give some of ourselves and our time and our precious lives to…

Being in relationships takes thoughtfulness, effort, emotional investment, honesty, vulnerability, showing up, sharing yourself, listening, laughing and having fun together. In a practical sense, it also requires reaching out, scheduling, blocking off time, making plans, figuring out logistics, sometimes money, always time, contact, cleaning the house, making the food, picking up the take-out, driving to the location… whatever it is!

As I was cleaning up, baking a pre-made quiche, emptying clutter out of the dining room, and vacuuming the house this morning to be ready for a friend coming over, it hit me: I never look forward to those things (vacuuming, ugh! tidying, ugh! cleaning, no!), but right in that moment, I realized I felt content and grateful, and that moment I was in, doing those specific activities — it was a little slice of everyday magic.

Everyday magic is having a home to love and care for and make wonderful, for yourself and for anyone you love who also gets to enjoy it.

Everyday magic is knowing and loving friends and good people who know and love you back.

Everyday magic is quality time.

Everyday magic is baking, washing and slicing strawberries, and vacuuming the floors as an homage to what you care about. Hospitality. (True hospitality is one of the best kinds of magic! I love this quote from Shauna Niequist: Hospitality is, “as my friend Sybil says, when someone leaves your home feeling better about themselves, not better about you.”)

Everyday magic is something to look forward to — fun and quality time with a loved one! — and the things you get to do to lovingly prepare for it.

Everyday magic is having the blessings and luxury to do even the things we think we don’t want to do… how lucky are we to have a home to clean?

So in this vein, everyday magic can even be a mundanity like taking out the trash. Does something good come out of it? Of course. Is it worth doing? Of course. Can it be done well, with a proper and warm attitude? You bet.

All those moments this morning were for the sake of setting up a cozy and delightful experience, for myself and for my friend…

…the “cost” of friendship.

Is it worth it? Every time.

(Shauna Niequist also talks about how not every gathering can hit its mark every time, not every single connection will be rich and seamless, not all your events and get togethers will be gold… but we trust that more will be than not, we accept the bumps graciously and keep going, we have faith and belief in the art of gathering and in the art of friendship. We take the one-off “non-magic” nights or conversations or parties when they come and then have another, knowing the not-so-goods have to be gone through sometimes to keep finding the mind-blowing. This is a whole wonderful philosophy all on its own. And I love it.)

One more thing, of course we could have get togethers where there is no preparation, we don’t have to clean or be ready or polished whenever we see each other or in order for real connection or joy to happen! There are all different types of friendships and interactions, of course. But I was just noticing that the thing I don’t want to do (like clean) can be made so worthwhile and gratifying when it’s for something meaningful, and when it brings all that contentment and enjoyment. That’s a gift.

So that was my first noticed example today! For the cost of the lives we want.

2

The second — you might remember I mentioned two, many minutes ago, or you might have forgotten since this essay has gotten far longer than I intended or expected! — was home building…

Friendship, #1.

Home building, #2.

Funny enough, chores are featured in both, ha! But for different ends. Chores as the cost of friendship leads to experiences in our home I love to have with other people, deepening and enriching my felt belonging, love, and community. Chores as the cost of home building leads to…

Happiness and calm and peace in your space. A home that is a reflection of you and what you love. An environment that is both beautiful and soothing to look at, as well as totally functional and offering to you just what you need when you need it. It’s really an act of love to yourself to figure out what you need and want out of your home set up, organization, and aesthetic, and then to create that and give it to yourself.

We’re working on maaaany projects right now… you might remember I asked my husband for the birthday gift of house projects the whole month of April. It’s also spring, there’s tons of plant growth and winter cleaning up to do outside, and we’re cleaning out the inside and freshening everything up as the whole world comes back to vibrant, outer life!

So I was working on some of those projects today and putting away lots and lots of laundry. I actually walked out of my closet and across the hall to my office to write this post, in the middle of putting away laundry; one key benefit/side effect of chores and general easy physical labor that requires your bodily presence and movements but little-to-no thought is the mental calm and clarity. You might get your Very Best Idea while hanging shirts or folding towels! And I don’t think that’s talked about or realized enough. It’s something I’m going to try to remind myself of as further incentivization to finish the laundry and clean the kitchen more often. 😉 In a world of over-stimulation, fast-paced demands, and constant technology, noise, distractions, and gratifications, I think it’s really valuable to have something away from all of that, something you can do and calm your inner world and notice what might be going on in there. Bonus: then you have clean laundry and dishes for the week!

So yeah, house chores and home building… and I was just thinking about how good it felt to be getting it done. Sometimes those things sit undone and unattended for far too long, being put off because of their unappealing nature and bad rap. Procrastination for something more fun. Procrastination because we get busy and something else takes priority. Whatever it is. So I was noticing how great it felt that I was making so much progress, and I was enjoying the relaxed simplicity of it once I’d started, and I was thinking about how much better this was going to make my week and how much more I would love walking into my bedroom, picking out my clothes, etc.

It really did feel like a gift to Future Me. An investment in the week I want to have. A down payment for the calm and peace I want. Effort up-front for the pay off down the road. The cost of our beautiful home and functional routines.

Worth it? Yes.

(Caveat: not to perfection or rigidity and not all the time! Like I said, sometimes these things go undone and unattended for weeks or we put a project on hold until months later because there are just more important things, and life is vast and busy, and it’s entirely up to each person to find those boundaries and those priorities for ourselves.)

Usually what we want requires something of us. How great to practice this on micro-levels, like with vacuuming, putting clothes away, and prepping food for friends, so when the giant things come up, and we’re on the hook for showing up with great investment and action for our dreams and for scary decisions and twisting turns in our stories, we’re ready. Let’s rise.

Here’s to paying the costs that are worth it, and to knowing which ones those are for you in the first place!

P.S. Related: the cost of simplicity.