from the archives: space
If you’ve been following along, you may have noticed there was a lengthy gap between blog posts for a week or so, then I posted a back-dated blog a couple days ago, followed by three more back-dated posts today! This is because we were camping out of service for four nights/five days, so I just wrote in my journal a few times while in the mountains (so fun and wonderful!), and since returning, I’ve been whirlwinded at work, training people and getting set up to leave one company and begin at a new one! Today is my last day!
Anyway, all that to say: posting has fallen a little behind. I have not missed the mark for 25 blog posts published a single month this year. I’m still intent on reaching 300 by the end of 2023. Even though I was delayed the last week or so and do have some writing catch-up to play, it felt good to still write on paper and keep logging some words.
When I opened my journal this morning, my eyes fell on the very first entry, on the very first page, written almost exactly two months ago, and I loved reading it and decided to pull it from the archives and share here!*
Originally written on May 31, 2023
I just returned yesterday from Miami, my first time in Florida, for the first Iron & Stone Tour. It was remarkable in so many ways!
I’m feeling challenged, with a full heart and full mind, and I’ve been bumping up against so many personal “areas of opportunity” in my life. (I got this phrase from Jenn Rotsinger; when watching and critiquing my deadlifts, she didn’t call my spine/hip alignment my greatest weakness, she said she saw it as my greatest area of opportunity!)
I’m finding so many of these areas I want to grow in lately. Areas I don’t want to be stuck and inhibited by anymore. Most of them have to do with limiting mindsets, my bias for NONaction (even though I want a bias for action), how I see myself and speak to myself, my self-compassion (or lack thereof), and taking everything so damn stressfully seriously.
I’m feeling a call towards creating space in my life so I can better be with myself and attend to these things. I need the room and time to grow into this. Right now (and maybe it’s partly my luteal phase hogging the mic), I can’t anymore with chaos, racing, cramming, pushing, overbooking, distractions… I barely remember what it feels like to have space kept open in my week to follow whatever I FEEL like, space where I don’t have to DO anything at all. I am sensing a need for that. Feeling the urge of whatever is trying to be born in me next, saying those parts of me need — not just want, but elementally, crucially, nonnegotiably NEED — that space. I need some openness. I need to dance and play with the wild within me. My mysticism and magic are longing to come awake again, but they’ve been so buried in my status quo corporate office job and my before/after work hours schedule.
I need space and time to tend to my flowerbed (literally and metaphorically/internally). I need space and time to bring peace, attention, and care to what I take in. Care for myself through my environment and trying to keep chaos out of my home for a bit. Drama-free chores and more mindful living. Getting back to basics. Gardening my mind. Quieting the noise. Getting distance from social media. Practicing a growth mindset and shedding all the things that have been getting in my way. All the ways I’ve been hindering myself from having the life I really want.
As I go on expanding the list, I feel a bit of dread and heaviness, like this is too big and overwhelming. It is meant to be the opposite of that. I need to remind myself there is nothing wrong with me; there is nowhere else I need to be; my competency and accomplishments are not what define me or give my life meaning or myself worth; there is no timeline or rule by which this work should or must be done; it’s just an unfolding, evolving, spiraling, lifelong process of experimentation, work, and play; I don’t have to rush or do it all at once; this is supposed to be an invitation for ease.
I want to step into grace and kind, flexible compassion for myself.
I want to remember the simple power in saying yes and saying no — and choosing which things are the right things to say both to.
When my life feels out of control and like I don’t know where it’s all going, I want to remember the clarity I try to grasp for and the uncertainty I resist are precisely where most of growing is going to happen. Those are my zones of opportunity.
I think I’m just trying to turn inward a bit more. To question, drop, adjust, or hold loosely everything I’ve been doing for so long, to give myself space to explore whether it’s what I still need or if my season is evolving. (transitioning)
I want to become much stronger mentally.
I want to cultivate a growth mindset and remember not to save the best stuff for later. Stop waiting for my life to start, because it’s here, and today is the day for me to enjoy and relax and prioritize what I care about and let go of what I don’t and make the big moves! Today.
*I love re-reading old writings I’ve done and seeing how life has unfolded since then. Progress I’ve made, which things I’m still struggling with, or where I might be at now. It’s useful to note and be proud of myself. Sometimes when I re-read something old, I can remember exactly how I was feeling and what that season was like. Sometimes everything still seems familiar. Sometimes I don’t remember it well at all, but I can learn a lot from reading it, all over again.
In this instance, I remember a specific moment or two, and conversations with friends, when I had some of these thoughts — where I was, what I was doing, like a moment I was driving on a certain road and mulling over one of these exact sentences — things like that. I remember a span of weeks that felt very themed and characterized by space and how I was focusing on it. And it’s always interesting to see how much has changed since the time of past writings (some things really big, like accepting a new job that I’ll start in three days, a job which I only found out about a few weeks after writing this!) and what has stayed the same.
