from now on
I am listening to a Goals, Grit, and Some Woo Woo Shit podcast episode by Oonagh Duncan, with guest Kusudi Muithi, and it is kind of blowing my mind and lighting a fire under me.
Kusudi is talking about the crucial importance of the law of attraction and energy and how you are BEING. Who are you BEING? What are you drawing to you, through WHO YOU ARE and how you behave, the actions you’re taking, the energetic space you are living in, the blueprints you’re operating from?
He says if you are operating from a place of WANT – which is inherently the energy of NOT having something – and fearing the failure and the rejection and how alone, unfairly treated, and unloved you will feel if what you want doesn’t work out… then you are NOT attracting that hoped-for future reality to you. And Kusudi mentioned, if, on the other hand, you can create a new blueprint that says “I will only feel unloved and unsuccessful if I think God is not with me,” for example, but you know God is ALWAYS with you, then you will no longer be living in that energetic space of failure and rejection; you will always feel loved and successful because you know there is never a time God is not with you.
This is just about WHO you are being, WHAT you believe from the blueprints you’re living within, and the life you are LIVING. What is the reality you’re building for yourself?
We create our own universe as we go along.
-Winston Churchill
🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌🌌
So here’s the deal. I haven’t been BEING who I really want to be.
I’ve been defeated. I’ve been stuck. I’ve been feeling beaten down and frustrated and like I am dealing with unfair injustice and like I just can’t get ahead. I’ve been raging against things I cannot control and wishing I could control them. I’ve been telling myself (and sometimes others, when I think I’ve found someone who will listen and sympathize) that I have already worked so hard, done so much, been that excellent candidate, done the right things, put myself out there, been consistent and repetitious, over and over… that I can’t go on like this forever, and how long am I expected to keep this up without reward? I’ve been harping on what I need and want, saying I’m not getting it and I don’t know how to, and everything really sucks. I’ve been feeling limited and constrained and tired and fearful. I’ve been feeling rejected and very afraid of that rejection. I don’t want to put myself out there again because I’ve already done it a dozen or dozens of times, and it hasn’t worked out so far. I’ve been afraid to trust myself. I’ve been afraid to go all in. I’ve been afraid of risk and unknowns, and I’ve been worried about what might happen next. I’ve been terrified of not being in control of the situation of my life, of not knowing what’s coming, of not knowing how I will feel or what I’ll do or what else might be missing.
This is such an accident, but the fallback into scarcity has hit me many times in my life, and I am always trying to learn how to become more aware of it so I can stay out of it and recover from the fallbacks faster when they happen. I’ve been living in scarcity. I’ve been living in fear and this idea that what I want might not be out there for me, that maybe I can’t have it, for reasons that are beyond me, because of limitations I can’t change. I’ve been thinking nothing is enough – nothing I do is enough, nothing I get in return is enough, and I’m scared. I’ve been living from a place of lack and resistance.
I don’t mean to!!! I’m trying my best! I’ve been trying to keep my head up and keep a hopeful attitude and trying to keep creating things and moving forward and developing the grit and consistency to just keep taking one step after another. I’m trying to grow in self-awareness and wisdom. I’m trying to choose optimism and faith and belief in the possibility.
But my wonder switch keeps getting turned off (I really need to read Harris’ book, The Wonder Switch, it’s on my nightstand ready to go!).
I keep making excuses and operating from a place of “I want to feel X way, but I don’t” and “I really want this ____, but I’ve done everything I can, and the choice isn’t in my control, and I’m going to be crushed if they reject me.”
As if everything is out of my hands, and I’m distraught about it but resigned to it, while trying to remain positive that maybe it will still work out.
With that energy?? With that attraction?? Yeah, good luck dear, probably not! (said with love)
So this Oonagh/Kusudi podcast episode has been really eye-opening, challenging, and helpful for me and my cynicism and struggles. An excellent, timely reminder.
I am on a spiral, and I hope it’s an upward one. Sometimes I have to keep circling back around to learn the same lessons over and over again, but I always hope whenever the circle swings back around, it’s not in the same place, because it’s higher than before, and I am continually getting new layers and levels. I hope I’m improving and growing and getting stronger at all of this.
Growth isn’t linear. I can feel – and have felt for weeks – that I am in a big season of growth. I can tell because of all the steps forward and all the steps back. I can tell because of how much it’s pushing me and challenging me.
Don’t give up on me yet. I am still here. I am fighting. I’m in the arena. Sometimes I stay down for a little too long, sometimes I get the wind knocked out of me and contemplate giving up. But I always stand back up. I will never give up. I am not finished. I am giving this everything I’ve got. I promise, I vow, to stay committed to my beautiful gift of a life, to the sacred joy of being alive, to the dreams within my heart and potential we all contain. I vow to stick with the process of everything yet unsolved within me, everything I’ve yet to learn, and who I really want to be. I promise to keep moving forward into the life I want to be living and the person I am BEING.
Who am I BEING?
Not someone great, lately, honestly – at least not all the time. (That’s the thing about non-linear growth – in this spiral, I have sometimes been a shining version of how I’d really like to be showing up, and I’ve felt proud of myself and my contributions and mindsets and actions! But sometimes I dip back down and revert to fear and turn off the wonder switch, seemingly just as often.)
I am being someone who is stuck, powerless, and out of energy or will to tap into her empowerment, her source, her inalienable birthright.
No longer. This isn't me. This isn’t the blueprint I want to carry forward into the next part of my life with me. Not the blueprint I want for tomorrow or even today.
“My eyes will not be blinded by the lights.”
“What’s waited til tomorrow starts tonight.”
“Let this promise in me start, like an anthem in my heart.”
I will keep my eyes wide open and my heart warm, strong, and willing. I will be who I truly am. I will discover what’s real and true inside me – because what’s real and true are NOT the ideas of lack, unfairness, hardship, and fearful scarcity I’ve been struggling with!
This is about returning. Returning to who I already am and have been, returning to what’s already true within me.
I will be a badass, a kind creator and collaborator, someone ready and willing to step up and LIVE and make a difference. I will wake up and come ALIVE, every day, in every moment I am fortunate enough to be breathing. I love my life. I will live from my empowerment and enthusiasm, I will maintain an energy of gratitude and awe and vivaciousness for life.
I am BEING successful, I am BEING joyful, I am BEING happy and fulfilled, purposeful and passionate, satisfied and engaged.
I cannot wait for these things to come to me. I can’t afford to sit around thinking it’s so unfair I haven’t had the opportunities or the realizations yet. I can’t just say I don’t know or I can’t or it’s not up to me. MY LIFE IS UP TO ME! My energy in each moment is up to me. I am going to draw in success and more success, purpose and more purpose, fulfillment and more fulfillment, because I can already BE someone who is successful, purposeful, and fulfilled, through what I choose to do each day, and through how I think about and view my life. (This is key: we can’t wait for these things to come later, because later is never here, and the present is all we’ve got, and it’s really up to each of us right now!)
I am grateful to be alive. I am grateful to be healthy, grateful for my body and all the love in my life. The love I have with Jake and friends and family. The love I have for myself. Connection and belonging and community. The love I have for what fills my life up! Blue and powerlifting and fun delights like books and great shows and puzzles and writing and hummingbirds and good food and movement and sunshine and playing music. I am grateful for every good thing from God and the Universe. I am grateful Jake stays by my side and supports me and everything in my life, from the worst to the best, from my highest to my lowest, when I am lost and when I am thriving. I am grateful for his patience and unwavering belief in me. I am grateful for his commitment.
I COMMIT to BEING truer to myself from now on. The real me, waiting inside to be let out and empowered and lit up. The natural, designed, built-in empowerment, generosity, and capability that is my birthright. The wholehearted love and adventure within me, ready to thrive.
That’s who I am. That’s who I will be. That’s how I’m showing up, from now on.
I know God is always with me. I know the Universe has my back. I know life is beautiful and filled with magic. I know the opportunities I have are countless and astonishing. I know the abundance in my life and what I can do with that from a place of creative, willing action is mindblowing.
Because of this? I know I am always loved, and I will always be successful. I can live in my success because I am lucky to be alive and experience life and the world and everything within and around me. I am lucky to have friends and beauty and grace. I can live in a feeling of purpose, fulfillment, and success, and I can act from there, continually generating more and more of all those good things, through what I choose to commit to and act on.
Here I am. From now on.
“Being is the seed that produces the fruits of your life.”
-Kusudi Muithi
P.S. This is a Practice. It’s not a Perfect. These are the sorts of things we promise to commit to — to keep practicing and working on our own dance and evolution — to keep trying to be consistent, which means getting back up to try again when you miss your mark. It doesn’t mean we’ll make it all the time, from now on. It means we’ll do our best, from now on, and when we inevitably fall short sometimes, there’s more grace, and we keep going. You’re never so far lost that you can’t get back. xoxo.
P.P.S. I have already been suspecting for some time now that this season of challenging growth and everything that has been stretching me (what I’m searching for, unknowns, fear, boredom, lack of direction and purpose…) is going to turn out to be a gift, somehow. I’ve already been thinking it is growing my resilience and capacity to move through fear and failure. Maybe one of the gifts coming out of this will also be deeper joy, the appreciation for mundanity in life, that nothing in life really IS mundane when it is all saturated and sparkling with gratitude, great fortune, and the opportunity of being alive. Maybe a gift coming from this will be my enhanced ability to be content and discover purpose and fulfillment within me at any time, acting from there, acting from love and empowerment instead of fear and longing.
Today’s BEING Manifesto. Go make one of your own! Who are you being?
