desert mirage
Today, as I began answering my own self-check-in questions, I started writing on “Where am I at?”
I wrote two or three sizable paragraphs before I uncovered what I’m about to share with you here, but the buildup to it was a mix of positives and negatives in my life and feelings currently, as well as the admission of how much worrying I do. Here’s an example sentence: “Do I fret entirely too much and worry senselessly about things that need not be worried about, both for today’s questions and for questions that are months or years down the road – or that may never come up at all??? YES. Absolutely yes.” (related: time traveling worriers)
What follows is my own response to that expression. Maybe something here will be a message you need to hear too! (And if not, remember “The answers are within you,” — Amber Rae, queen of journaling prompts and guided, intuitive reflections — and go back to the self-check-in questions and find your own splendid messages and Knowing! Or write your own damn questions! Everything magical and expansive and needed already lives inside you. ✨)
(from me, to me, about me worrying about everything under the sun)
(seriously: I word-vomited the frets in my mind as I thought of them, typing as fast as I could, and the list was looooong. Until I finally cut myself off with this…)
OMG STOP, BRI. And I say that with love and grace and compassion.
Honey, I know you CARE. You care so much. So deeply. You are so full of love and dreams and best intentions, and that’s BEAUTIFUL!
You want to do a great job, you want to live a great story, you want to love your life and do your best. You want to live from your values and be happy with the choices you’ve made. You want to be true to yourself and live the best life you can imagine.
So sometimes you get stuck in the imagining and you start to misuse your imagination. Sometimes you let your imaginings turn to worries and attempts to control so much that you cannot possibly know right now. Sometimes your anxious imaginings take hold of you and rob you of your joy and present experience. They might make you feel powerful or more stable or more in charge – but honey, it doesn’t work like that.
I know you want to live your most aligned, lit up, delighted, wholehearted life! That’s fantastic! But please remember the life you want is not found down the path of worries and fears. It’s a trick of the light, a desert mirage, a wanderer’s trap, a deception easily believed… but it isn’t real.
It isn’t true that if you only worry hard enough and worry about everything, you will not be blindsided, and you will be able to perfectly figure it all out (and ahead of schedule, woohoo!). This just isn’t how it goes. Because life isn’t an equation. You can’t solve for x. And it’s not for lack of effort, baby! If anyone could solve for x, it would be you, because you sure try so hard! But I’m here to let you know, you don’t have to keep trying for this. I just want to remind you your life is meant to be experienced; this is experiential learning, not equation-solving-in-advance!
You want to be aligned and wholehearted and living your truest, greatest story – and I am one hundred percent behind that! Just remember: when you go overboard trying to ensure you’re achieving this alignment and wholehearted life, you often throw a wedge squarely between you and your own wholehearted, truest story. Because you cannot get to that story through worries and fears and sheer willpower.
Keep going. Just relax. Have more fun. Let the chips fall. See what happens. Catch your mind as it begins to churn and revolve around things you can’t know and can’t control… and instead of trying to anyway, remind yourself: this is none of my business, and everything is going to be grand and beautiful. ❤️
