staying in the water
(new stories: giving yourself
what you really need)
The practice of meeting ourselves with grace.
Self-compassion offered endlessly.
Activating honesty and courage.
The path of love, not shame.
The path of presence, not numbing.
When we fall into a moment filled with the urge to follow the same old, broken narratives that keep us stuck, circling through the same hurtful actions towards ourselves, let’s use that exact moment as this beautiful, difficult opportunity…
Do not employ force, anger, and shame. They won’t help you.
I am practicing asking myself…
Hi, hello… how are you feeling right now?
When I notice whatever the feeling might be – boredom, loneliness, anxiety, itchiness, anger, shame, unworthiness, fear – no matter how uncomfortable it is, can I sit with it?
The messy middle can be so messy it feels untenable and impossible to hold.
It isn’t.
I am capable of meeting and holding all that is within me.
If we are willing to notice the feeling and then fully let it be, just feel it, it will pass. It will unfold and close, and it will lose its power over us.
Can I surf the moment? Can I ride this wave? Can I stay in the water, be still and know, sink into my knowing, and trust myself?
It’s a large ask.
It’s the way through.
This is the path.
If I have the courage to withstand and hold space for the messy middle, no matter how terrible or icky it seems, no matter how inconvenient or how much I don’t want to, there will be gold. Going through the pain to the other side will be exquisitely, excruciatingly beautiful.
Next, can I ask myself: what do I need?
Knowing how I feel, what can be done to help and serve and tend? How can I meet myself in that place with every ounce of grace?
This is not a chance to regurgitate the dramas, dogma, or expected correct answers back to myself. I cannot shame and force myself into who and how I think I should be at any given moment.
This is, instead, a better opportunity.
This is a chance to bravely look right into my own eyes, in total stillness, and say, “what do you really need?”
Quiet honesty.
There are all kinds of devices we use to numb uncomfy feelings, to take us out of tricky present moments and out of our bodies, to distract ourselves… one of my most challenging ones is food. I love food, and it’s an easy distraction for me.
But it doesn’t really work in the long run.
Everything underneath will still be there.
And I want a happy, healthy relationship with food. Food is a gift and necessity and right, a perfect, normal, neutral, fueling part of life. It’s delicious. It makes my body strong and my taste buds happy and facilitates all kinds of nostalgia, emotions, and memories with other people.
So this means I don’t want to misuse it.
The courageous honesty of calmly asking, “what do you really need, sweetheart?” opens the door to whether it’s food (or online shopping, tv, cleaning, social media, whatever else we might use to numb out…) or something other, deeper, more intricate than that I’m truly needing.
And then whatever it is? Can we give ourselves that honest need?
Can I dip down under the surface and offer myself this grace and presence? Can I stay and feel the feelings and surf the urges and get really curious?
What is true here?
“The answers are within you.” (Which is also the title of one of Amber Rae’s wonderful books.)
I can trust myself.
When I discover that it’s not the numbing habit or default old story I really need, when I discover I am bored or lonely or scared, I can offer myself grace and love and everything I need.
I can give myself the creative stimulation my boredom is seeking. The adventure I long for.
I can give myself projects and purpose and something new to try.
I can give myself the love, belonging, and companionship I need when I feel lonely. You will always belong. You are always enough.
I can give myself compassion and courage to meet any fear.
You can do it.
You are worthy.
Every part of you belongs, every part of you is welcome, every part of you is serving a beautiful purpose.
You are capable of anything you wish for.
…Until one day I am giving myself the whole damn universe.
(And this works. This holy, trusting, true responsiveness works so much better than our bad habits and numbing.)
Today, this week, in every moment, when we feel the urge to slip back into old habits we want to let go of, let’s remember to ask: how am I feeling and what do I need?
Stay in the water, ride the wave, swim deeper under the surface.
The messy middle will turn you to gold.
You are always enough.
You always belong.
You can do it.*
*These three statements are in response to what Harris III calls the 3 Stories of Self-Sabotage (or Survival), which are “I am not enough, I don’t belong, I can’t.”
