values
The values we have create reference for everything we do and everything that matters to us.
Identifying whether or not you share values with someone else before trying to enter discussion, debate, or even relationship with them is extremely useful — depending on the level of the interaction/relationship, and especially if it is in any way challenging, sensitive, deep, close, or highly important.
You cannot expect someone who does not prioritize or believe the same things you prioritize and believe to necessarily understand you or be able to connect or support.
You might never see eye to eye with certain people in your life who have very different values.
This doesn’t mean respect and happy symbiosis cannot exist; with acceptance, mutual dignity, proper expectations, and successful boundaries, it’s totally doable!
But it’s important to identify areas where values might differ or even clash and contradict. This helps us understand our friction points and have empathy for seeing things from another person’s point of view.
If you’re talking to someone about busy schedules, and the person you’re talking to values peace, harmony, and rest above almost all else, but you hold adventure in your top values, you might not see busy schedules the same way.
Their value house is built differently from yours. We’re all entitled to our own values, and it’s not up to any one of us what someone else believes or what matters to them.
But it is up to you and up to me to ensure we are living our lives as happily and integrally aligned with our own values as we can. This means how we live and work and play and love and form community and think, etc., etc. This includes who we choose to build close friendships with. We cannot choose other people’s values for them, but we can find and nurture relationships with others whose values are similar or complementary with our own.
Our communication is much more likely to break down and our expectations go unmet until we grasp the values spectrum and come to terms with the understanding that we all see things from our own unique lens, based on the cocktail of priorities we create our lives around and see the world through.
P.S. related: my first values essay on the blog — and only second post ever! — guiding lights
