what your soul aches for

Written June 9th, 2023

One of my biggest accomplishments and sources of pride right now is everything growing inside me and some big realizations I’m having and big moves I’m gravitating towards. Even if not immediately massive external changes, these are big, big internal shifts which I believe will ultimately lead to great things and transformation.

I’m proud of myself for trying, for deciding to step out on my own and engage the dream screaming from inside my heart.

My soul is aching for music.

Not just to tinker or play alone or fiddle around. I must really play. Sing my heart out. Hone my skills. Dedicate myself to this passion once again, after a lengthy hiatus, coming back as the stronger, braver, messier, wilder, more expansive, confident, resilient, and real current version of myself I’ve grown into. My mermaid spirit is calling for me to shed old skins and let my magic shine once again, and in all new ways. She says, do not forget you may reinvent yourself at any moment, so don’t let past views of who you are ever hold you back. Just keep growing and evolving, and when you feel the itch, fire, craving, hunger, resentment, misalignment, yearning, or love… remember you CAN break new ground, and you can bust through any ceilings. GO FOR IT. Listen to the call.

My dreams will forever live within my beautiful, bold, creative, resilient heart. I will either pursue them or be haunted by them, as Mel Robbins says. I’m in pursuit. My sights are set. I’m not backing down or giving up this time. I can’t. Ever.

Because this isn’t about what I will achieve, whether I’ll be a massive success or not, or where it’s all going to take me.

This is about Who I’m Being. How I live my life from now until the end. If I’m playing the hero in this story or not. This is about what’s meant for me. My dreams aren’t here just for funsies. They are the truest road marks for what I am meant to be doing. No matter what.

So my heart is yearning for my recommitment and my one hundred percent because she knows it’s what I need. No matter what comes of it. I need to live my dreams because of what will grow inside me and because of what happens in my heart, just from the doing. Not from the results and not from what comes after. Just from the act of living in a state of embodying the dream and the actions, the work and play and art and song of my soul.

I got scared. I got shut down by life, the idea of how many eyes were watching me and what the minds behind them thought of me, and the pressure I felt — from others, yes, but mostly that I placed on myself. I have been afraid of success and failure and being perceived as an incompetent, nobody-special embarrassment.

I’ve been afraid of my light and of shining it and also that it might not be the right amount of brightness (never good enough).

Now? I am beginning to learn not to give a damn what other people think and not to waste time, thought, space, or energy on whether my light is the right quality or brilliance — only that I am lit up! Only that I am doing my thing and making my life a goddamn song. It’s my only job. The rest doesn’t fucking matter. And how easily we forget.